Growth

So you could say I’ve experienced college… I’ve experienced a lot of things in these past few months. I’ve been meaning to write, but as usual I find myself preoccupied or just plain forgetful. Here is what has changed:

A semester at home taking three courses at a community college as well as landscaping on my off days. I went about my weeks doing my own things, and occupying my own time. Only one friend was home at the same time (also went to community college), so we would hang out every once in a while; often play music, smoke, or just talk. I also visited my old college on the weekends every once in a while to enjoy some company from old friends I sort of abandoned. This time in my life I would call, Blissful Solitude. Most mornings I would wake up early and spend time by myself just reflecting and taking life slow. It was a very peaceful time in my life, not much stress and the small things made me very happy. I think silence helps you appreciate the small things, you become more observant and you let your brain wander. This is a major part of who I am, I enjoy reflection not just on the self but on anything random that pops into my head. I was going into this semester thinking it would be very lonely and I would be depressed, but I can’t help but look back and say it was one of the most peaceful times in my life, full of tranquility and quite. More growth in independence and being alone, I was more okay with being alone because I knew I could preoccupy myself. When I did find myself wanting company, I would take the initiative to make it happen and I found myself making progress with one-on-one conversations, which is something I wasn’t so confident in. This has helped me immensely in my life today.

After finishing a semester at community college, all my friends came home from their schools for winter break, and there was a lot of hanging out and having good times. I love my high school friends and hope to always stay in touch, they’re incredible people whom I share incredible memories with. But what was coming next was something entirely new to my life.

Transferring to a new school, mid semester as a sophomore… It was tough, it still is tough, but I am becoming more okay with everything. I’ve made memories I will never forget, some of them strange and tough to look back on. The school I transferred into is a liberal arts school, and reminds me of the public school system I once attended before high school, a long time ago. It has been very interesting, I have been observing a lot and have enjoyed the change in just about every aspect of life. I have made two really close friends relatively quick, both have extremely unique personalities which I would never have thought I would become friends with back in high school. They are so unlike the people I have been around in the past, but I am embracing the change and have realized how incredible these two people are. They have taught me so much in such a short time (another post), and I look forward to spending more time with these two. Enough cannot be said about them and their influence on me. Now back to the “strange and tough to look back on” memories. They both revolve around girls. For some reasons my hormones kicked in really late and I never bothered pursuing girls in high school, but when community college rolled around things changed. And now it was time for my transfer school. The first girl I meet I had talked to a few times before seeing her at a party, we talked for awhile then went back to my dorm to talk more. I told her I wasn’t into one-night-stands and stuff so don’t expect anything, and she said she had a boyfriend… I was bummed, because we clicked really well, so well, I got caught up with her, and she with me. We spent a lot of alone time together just hanging out, talking, and cuddling for most of the day and into the early hours of the morning for about two weeks. Then she made the decision to not break things of with her boyfriend, which hurt. Things got awkward between us, and we no longer talk. This hurt, a lot, it took awhile to get over, but I am fine now, and look back on it as an experience that bettered me. It was certainly weird how well we clicked and how much time we spent together only to immediately end, it was sort of like a close friend dying. A little less than two months later I started talking to a girl who I had known of through a friend. We hit things off real quick because we shared a long walk, a train ride, and two nights of talking together. We had chemistry and things were looking good. Within this short time frame of less than a week, things had grown intimate, but by the end of the week, “We needed to talk about something.” I kind of just laughed as she told me she didn’t want a relationship, because she was still stuck in an old one. I didn’t care the first day but over time I thought about it and, once again I had built a strong relationship that collapsed with the snap of a finger. We could still be friends but it is hard to go from an immediate intimate relationship to just friends, its weird and something I’ve never experienced, but I am working on it, maybe… Part of me just wants to move on and forget about her, time will tell.

All in all I have grown a lot in the past two semester at home and at college. I have found myself more confident with who I am, more okay with being quiet and reserved and not letting it make me think about what others think about me. It is a waste of time and effort to worry about what others think, I haven’t perfected it but I am growing in this area, and I am proud. My one-on-one relationships have grown so well in the past couple of months, I think it has to due with me embracing my “quirky” personality (according to my friends). I became more okay with everything about me, which allowed conversations and ideas to just flow more easily. Although I am still working on the girl situation, I am confident in who I am and am proud of what I’ve become.

More to come soon.

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notes for future stuff

notes for future stuff:

someone once asked me what I looked for in a girl, i said music becuase it tells a lot about their personality

everyone says they listen to songs and the lyrics, i never have, but i am starting to and i have realized it makes me more emotional because i connect it to my life, and i dont like that. is it becuase i am still caught up, is it okay to avoid emotions

two clark